Suddenly it hit me: I had enough desire and faith for an 80% healing.
I had no idea I was walking into a healing service. We were hosting a book table at one of the annual Catholic rallies in Toronto, and my main goal was to meet people. I was still new in this enormous archdiocese, and this was a golden opportunity.
We were allowed to attend the excellent talks throughout the day, and it finally dawned on me that this was a conference with charismatic roots, and the theme was healing.
As I walked into the last presentation, I must admit my thoughts were on logistics for packing up and getting to my choir concert that evening. But the speaker immediately caught my attention, talking about many healings he’d witnessed in his ministry, and calling on people that day to bring their needs to the Lord.
To facilitate the process, he first called out for anyone with shoulder problems to turn to their neighbors and ask them to lay hands on the problem area while we all prayed. Then he encouraged them to try and move their shoulders, and if they felt even an 80% healing, to come forward and witness to what they had received. Quite a procession of people were now able to raise their arms freely.
Down through the body he went, calling for faith. Finally, he came to the feet. Now, I have bunions, fallen arches, non-bending big toes which cause pain and hinder me in long hikes. “Well, I’d take 80%,” I thought sarcastically.
“Ask for prayers,” I heard interiorly. Oh me of little faith! All kinds of protests emerged: it’s just normal aging…it’s annoying, but not a “real” problem needing healing…this could all just be the power of suggestion.
“Lord I believe. Help my unbelief,” I prayed as I asked my neighbors to lay hands on me. One woman got down on her knees to place her hands on my feet while praying. I felt like St Peter as that humble gesture overwhelmed me.
I wanted to weep as I summoned my faith and asked for healing – even 80% would be wonderful. As instructed, I kept trying to wiggle my toes, rock back and forth, and I confessed to my neighbors that my feet were feeling different – more flexible, less painful. I didn’t go up to publicly proclaim this healing, as you never know; I would see how it was in a week.
Throughout the next days, I kept claiming the healing and rejoicing in my new feet. They weren’t completely healed, but 80% was great!
Suddenly it hit me: I had enough desire and faith for an 80% healing. If I had 100% faith, would Jesus have completely restored my feet? Probably.
Is 80% my faith level in general? Sounds about right. After all I’ve been given by God, how can I only operate on 80% faith? What holds me back from complete trust and surrender?
“Lord I believe. Help my unbelief.” I remembered the man who first uttered that prayer — a father whose son was being tortured by a demon (Mk 9:14-29). The disciples couldn’t cure the boy and he was desperate.
When Jesus arrived, the father cried out, “If you are able to do anything, have pity on us and help us!” A desperate plea from a desperate father. Jesus pointed out his disbelief by saying, “If you are able? All things can be done for the one who believes.” That’s when the man blurted out a powerful confession and prayer: “I believe. Help my unbelief.”
Jesus did not rebuke the man for his disbelief. And he did not rebuke Thomas for not believing he had risen. He showed his hands and side to his disciple and then said, “Do not doubt but believe.” And Thomas’ response was as heartfelt as that of the desperate father: “My Lord and my God!”
Few of us ever come to 100% trust and belief in this life. But when that 20% hinders us from receiving what we need, Jesus will point out the lack, prompting us to dig deeper for faith. And he responds.
Many years ago, I was moved by a priest who prayed at each liturgy, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief.” He turned his doubts into a prayer. Catherine Doherty, a woman of 98% faith, still prayed daily for more faith. And now so do I.
What are the signs that I’m moving out of my 20% deficit? When I go through the liturgy on automatic pilot (if I entered the liturgy with full faith, I’d be on my knees interiorly, through every minute) … when I weep with someone who is suffering, and wonder why God is allowing it …when I’m dissatisfied by how our apostolate is unfolding…when I only ask for an 80% healing of my feet.
So, back to my feet. When this insight came to me, I asked God to increase my faith, and to allow my feet to be a sign. Every day, I asked for 100% healing and forgiveness for my lack of faith. Steadily, the healing became fuller and fuller. I’d say that now it’s 95%.
Is my faith in general up to 95%? No, I don’t think so. But we’re working on it!
St. Thomas drawing by ©Helen Hodson, Madonna House
