For so many years, my inability to forgive had been an unending source of grief and pain…
Has God ever made a promise to you? I have pondered that question. I came up with three promises that have given my life meaning and purpose.
One, God loves me unconditionally. Two, God communicates with me. Three, God will never give up on me.
It has been clear that God has kept his promises throughout my life, but I began to realize that even though he keeps his promises, I constantly struggle to trust in them.
Last May, the National Canadian March for Life took place in Ottawa. I sensed the Lord saying to me, “let’s go together”, and I decided to accept his invitation. The weather was pleasant and I enjoyed the drive, the outdoor picnic, and the people I encountered. The speeches were fine. The march was peaceful.
It wasn’t until we were nearing the end of the march that I realized I’d been separated from my Madonna House group. There were thousands of people in attendance. I felt lost in the crowd, with a feeling of rising anxiety.
Then I recognized a familiar face. It was John — what a relief! He told me that a nun from the Queenship of Mary community was going to interview him for EWTN’s television coverage of the event. “Why don’t you come along?” he suggested.
Sr. Elizabeth Marie looked at John and asked, “Do you have anyone in your life who impacts your pro-life stance?” John looked confident as he responded.
The next question was a little more challenging. “How has the culture of death taken hold? Why are people buying into the culture of death?” Again, John had a convincing answer.
Then Sr. Elizabeth Marie dropped a question that hit me like a bomb. “Can suffering bring any good? If so, what and how?”
My jaw dropped and I gasped. It was at this point that the Lord really got my attention, because the subject of suffering has always been a source of tension between the Lord and me.
I have never been able to accept the incomprehensibility of suffering. I have fought against it my whole life.
When I was a child, my father provided me with a tremendous sense of security. I felt loved, understood, and cherished. When I was 15, my father died, suddenly and unexpectedly. I felt like my life was over. I felt betrayed and rejected by my father and by God. The loss of my father affected me in such a profound way that I lost all hope and fell into a state of despair.
I did eventually overcome this trial, though it was not by my own power; God intervened through a miracle of grace. A number of years after my father died, I was traveling on a Greyhound bus to visit my boyfriend when an extraverted nun boarded the bus and sat down beside me.
I had no interest in talking with this sister, but she managed to engage most of the other passengers in a discussion about God, faith, and the Catholic Church.
God used this highly unusual event to reach my heart. Memories of my childhood faith flooded my mind with peace and a yearning for God.
In my heart, I heard the Lord speaking a word of hope: “Doreen, I know you are not happy. I have a plan for your life.” That encounter with God filled me with a tremendous joy. It was a turning point for me.
Over the next few years, the Lord gradually led me to Madonna House. When I set foot in Combermere, I recognized this as my spiritual home.
However, the relationship with my Father was still unresolved. Over time, I began to realize that I had not forgiven God for allowing my father to die. I had been very much alone. There was no one to talk to. It was terrible. I couldn’t talk about it for ten years but when I came here, I think it began to change as people started to talk to me.
For so many years, my inability to forgive had been an unending source of grief and pain, a wound that would not heal. I believed God loved me, but how could he have taken my father away from me at a time when I most needed a father’s love? I could not see how this was for my benefit.
Let’s return to John’s interview with Sr. Elizabeth Marie, who asked about the value of suffering. I waited with trepidation for John’s answer. He began by admitting that he had a very hard heart. Suffering had given him an opportunity to change.
He had to go down on his knees before God and beg him to break open his heart. John had never dreamed he was capable of unselfish love but suffering brought him out of himself and opened his heart.
The interview reverberated in my heart for days after the March for Life.
The story of Jonah came to mind. As you remember, Jonah did not want the people of Nineveh to be saved because he thought they were undeserving of God’s mercy.
The Lord arranged for a castor oil plant to shade Jonah from the hot sun and soothe his ill temper. When the plant withered and died, Jonah was very upset. He felt that he had every right to be angry at God.
During the March in July, the Lord revealed to me that I am a lot like Jonah. My emotions get in the way of receiving the Father’s light and healing.
The good news is that the Lord is patient and merciful. He will always love me. He is always available. He always forgives me. He is true to his promises.
I still get angry about all sorts of things, but I think the Lord is teaching me to react differently. I’m willing to listen to him, I’m also willing to listen to other people, and I am a little more patient with myself.
Fenced Sunset (detail) – by Patrick Stewart
