With him I want for nothing.
Ever since I was young, I’ve benefited from help in expressing what’s on my mind.
When I was 12 years old, Susan, a counsellor, said that if I wanted to say [expletive] 200 times in my journal, I could. My journals consequently became very negative and full of frustration.
It wasn’t until I came to Madonna House and began addressing my journals to Jesus that I noticed a change in the love and care I put into choosing my words. Consequently, my life with God and my brothers and sisters has become more deeply rooted in love and respect.
For example, one day I was working in the furnace room with Nathaniel. I had been late showing up to feed the boilers with wood to heat our building, and Nathaniel got frustrated and stormed away. He came back, opened the door to the furnace room, and said, “You’re unreliable and undependable!”
I was shocked and hurt. In the past, I would have become angry and retaliated. But this time, I stopped, processed the situation, and made my way to the chapel to pray. I knelt down before the tabernacle.
As I was kneeling there, I became deeply absorbed, and then I heard a shuffling sound. It was Nathaniel. I could feel him close to me. I turned my head, and he said, “I profoundly apologize.” I reached out my hand, squeezed his, and prayed an Our Father with him. All was forgiven, and it was Christ who witnessed our forgiving one another.
My road to mental health has involved confronting my emotional wounds, which manifest themselves in my daily life. I struggle with both anger and punctuality. It’s tough to be engaged in one task when your mind wants to do something else. I manage my anger through various activities and prayer.
When someone says something hurtful, instead of getting explosively angry, I pray and think about how to cope in a healthy and loving way. I’ve learned to respond to conflict by seeking to understand and by praying for reconciliation as soon as possible. Sometimes I need to be patient, take a step back, and the grace is provided later.
There can be a stigma attached to seeking help with one’s mental health. One reason for this is shame at admitting one’s weaknesses. It’s also hard to trust others, such as doctors and professionals; doing so can leave one feeling very vulnerable.
Yet, God actually works through them to bring healing and to bring us closer to him. It’s important to find professionals who are able to respect and appreciate this work from a Christian perspective.
I recently spent five days with a number of medical professionals in order to have them assess my psychological, psychiatric, and spiritual needs. Among other things, I was given a blot test and a shapes-and-patterns test. This exposed my abstract reasoning (nothing new).
Part of this is that I want to have my own opinion and I need to be right. When the strong desire to be right arises in me, I need to remember to place love and the other person before that need.
One day I had just come out of the kitchen after helping with Sunday supper. I peered out the window in the hallway. It was wintertime, sunny and cold, and I noticed someone standing outside. I popped outside, with a cup of tea in my hand, hoping to enjoy a pleasant conversation. We started talking, and it led to a disagreement about something.
I felt a strong need to be right. But then the other person said that it was actually OK for us to disagree! As I pondered and prayed about this, I came to realize it was true, and praying for this person helped me to not take offence. Love does not take offence(1 Cor 13).
I experience God’s love through the medical help I receive when I’m being listened to. This can bring a great deal of peace, and, in turn, it enables me to be a better listener myself. When I walk in the peace that has been given to me by my medical team, I know I’ve received the care and peace of Christ.
Receiving help like this has helped me to love and trust both God and my neighbour more freely. I have become a better listener, and a more compassionate person.
My struggles with mental health have actually become a point of encounter with God, and have helped me to rely on him in a deeper way. By learning to live more and more in a healthy state, I can better turn to the one who made me: Jesus Christ.
With him I am fulfilled. With him I want for nothing. It takes a clear mind to help you understand when you need the Lord.
I’m off to the tabernacle…
