When I was preparing to join Madonna House ten years ago, one of our priests mentioned in a talk or homily that our baptism leads us to the cross of Jesus Christ.
I grew up Catholic and had not really given baptism much thought. Prior to my coming to Madonna House, I thought baptism was for infants or for people who wanted to marry Roman Catholics.
In some ways, my baptism really has led me to the cross of Jesus Christ. For the past four years I have worked in the cheese house at our farm, and life there is not always easy. I work alone so, if something goes wrong, I can’t blame anyone else.
Most of my problems come from the need to relate to others and to listen, which I am learning to do. I work through things, asking God, “Why did I do that?” Or, “Why did I say that, at this time, to this person?” Or, “Why was I not listening to him or her? Why did I let myself get distracted?”
I try to sit with these questions, aware that the answers may never come this side of heaven. For me, that is a cross because I am the kind of person who likes to know the answers, and I can remember both question and answer with quick recall.
Madonna House has taught me to sit with the questions and bring them to God in prayer. If God wants me to know, he can tell me. I do not fret at questions that have no answers. The answers may come much later or not at all. This is part of a cleansing of some of my inner voices that are usually not from God.
I was inspired by that MH priest who said that our baptism leads to the cross. I have kept my baptismal candle, and I lit it again after making my final promises of poverty, chastity, and obedience. I did this with tears of joy in my eyes.
There is joy in a lived baptism that I am still trying to understand. Maybe God will help me find some of the answers to questions I still have.
[Photo by ©Jenna Gernon]
