Is there anything I can do to make myself easier to love?
In one of his instructions to his monks, St. Bernard told them, “Ut studeas amare et amari.” Freely translated, this means, “Have a care not only to love but to be loved as well.”
When I read this, I had an insight as to what this admonition meant for me. I do not presume to say it is what St. Bernard meant.
What it said to me was “Don’t get so caught up in your own spiritual program of trying to love others that you fail to see the ways you make it difficult for them to love you.”
By “ways,” I am not thinking first and foremost of my sins, although certainly these come into play. But what characteristics, personality quirks, preferences, ways of moving, likes and dislikes — in short, what do I do or not do that makes it harder for my sisters and brothers to love me?
I had never asked myself that question before.
St. Paul said that he tried to become all things to all men. Part of loving has to do with being sensitive to the likes and dislikes of others.
Is there some quirk of mine that could be eliminated, some irritating habit?
And can I not bend to the preferences of others? Perhaps the person I am with likes joking, but I don’t particularly care for it. Can I not break down and joke with him once in a while? Or if I’m the one who likes to joke, can I not let up on it sometimes for the sake of someone who does not like it. Examples could, of course, be multiplied.
We all have an image of ourselves, a conscious identity which we carry around in us all the time and according to which we relate and act. This is the self we present to others. And if they find this difficult to relate to, well, that’s their cross! Everybody has a cross, after all.
But is the image I am projecting really my true identity?
I think we cling to many superficial concepts of who we are, superficial characteristics of our “identity” which make it more difficult for others to love us. We can and should break out of these self-imposed confines.
Our efforts to live the Gospel will keep forcing us out of our narrow conceptions of who we are.
Is this just wishy-washy love? After all, St. Francis of Assisi prayed “not so much to be loved as to love.”
But the attitude I am speaking about here is not self-centered. It is not a weak, compromising, unprincipled adaptation to everyone out of a need to be loved. It is not co-dependency. It is really other-centered.
It is a strong kind of love, secure enough in the love of God that it doesn’t need to hold on, for dear life, to a superficial identity.
What I’m talking about is a flexibility, born of a gospel love which enables us to bend in our relationships for the sake of the other person.
Is this taking away the cross? Don’t worry! If we are sincerely trying to follow Christ, crosses there will be. But some of the painful aspects of our relationships could be eliminated. For some are due to an unwillingness, conscious or unconscious, to let go of some of our superficial personal characteristics.
Is there anything I can change, or let go of, to make it easier to be with me? Is there anything I can do to make myself easier to love?
