In May, Fr. Kevin Belgrave visited Madonna House and gave us an informal presentation of seven “rules for life” he has developed over the years. Fr. Kevin is a priest of the Archdiocese of Toronto. He’s a formator at St. Augustine’s Seminary and a professor of moral theology. He’s also a director of an institute of theology and lay spiritual formation in Toronto. Here is the rest of Fr. Kevin’s talk to the MH community in May. Part 1 can be read here.
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The third rule for life is Don’t fear commitment.
This rule comes out of my involvement in the formation of priests.
Thinking ahead to, say, ten years from now when they might be having a low moment, I will sometimes say to the seminarians: How do you know you were called to be a priest, when, ten years from now, you are saying, “Wow, if I had only known this before I was ordained,” or “I didn’t realize it was going to be like this?”
How do you know you were called to be a priest? Because you said yes. That’s how you know; because you said yes. It’s not because a cloud opened, or because you felt certainty in your heart. It’s not because you had a wonderful experience of our Lord.
You were called. You know you’re called to be a priest because you said yes.
Now, of course, behind that is the assumption that the Church discerned well. There is sanctity in that yes; how powerful it is just to say yes. You’re not waiting for some bigger experience of certainty, whether it’s spiritual or natural or whatever.
Of course, sometimes we need someone to come alongside us and we need some help. We need to sort out patterns of life that are proving to be unhelpful to us. We need to get space to do that.
I’m not saying that no matter what’s going on in your life, as long as you say yes, it’s going to go magically well, but I’m trying to make sure it’s clear that the actual power is in your yes.
It kind of ties into rule number one because it is using as much freedom as you have access to in a given moment to do the next most truthful thing you can do.
The second part to this rule, involves what commitment is for in God’s plan for us.
Talking to seminarians who are preparing for the priesthood, I will say, “Do you notice that these two vocations of service — marriage and holy orders — both require a lifetime commitment? It seems to me that if you were choosing something that you were going to enjoy for the rest of your life, you probably wouldn’t need to commit to it because you would just enjoy doing it. If marriage is going to be a kind of fairy tale-ish experience of happiness, then why do you have to commit to it? Every day you’re going to wake up and love it.”
But the fact that we have to commit to it for life implies that there’s probably something more going on. I use the metaphor of surgery. The reason why God makes us commit to these vocations is because he knows that if we didn’t, we would turn tail and run the moment he began his healing and redeeming work through the grace of the sacrament. The commitment is almost like you strapping yourself in and giving our Lord permission to begin the next chapter of his work.
What are the sacraments? They are instruments of redemption. What’s redemption? Untwisting all the damage of original sin and re-creating us.
Well, that sounds like it’s going to hurt. So, you’re going to get ordained, and it’s going to hurt. You’re going to get married, and it’s going to hurt! And to make sure you don’t turn tail and run the moment it starts to hurt, the moment that the grace of the sacrament starts re-creating you, our Lord makes you commit.
So, don’t fear commitment. It’s there for a reason: it gives our Lord permission to begin a deeper, more complete work in you that he cannot do unless you are held in place long enough for the surgery to be complete. Otherwise, you’ll just keep running to the next thing that seems easier.
So, rule number three is to understand and trust what our Lord is doing when you give him not just the big commitments, priesthood or marriage or consecrated life, but the little commitments, too. Like someone we have to work with for a particular amount of time, and we commit to this, even though we may not get along with that person. Little commitments, whether it’s in our family or community.
However, I think the big ones are culturally important because I don’t think we have prepared a set of young people who understand and are open to commitment.
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Rule number four I call Be interested.
Be interested in other people! I’m not sure we are preparing young people today to be actively interested in others. We kind of expect other people to be interesting to us, and only then do we engage with them. There can also be people who, I think, approach relationships very transactionally e.g., if you’re not interesting to me, then I’m not going to be interested in you.
To phrase the rule very straightforwardly, I just say, “It is not the job of other people to be interesting to you. It is your job to be interested in them.”
I think that can be an answer to everything from how to make small talk with people you don’t know to how simply to live a peaceful life because people are interesting. At the end of the day, God finds each person infinitely fascinating and wonderful.
If we can remember that it is our job to be interested in people in our families and our communities and our workplace relationships, then we have a rule for life that will serve us very well.
Now, that doesn’t mean there isn’t an art to being interested in people. There’s an appropriateness to the kinds of questions you ask at certain times, and then there’s a time for deeper questioning.
Imitate people who you think are doing it well. Listen to what they say. Listen to how they initiate conversations. Listen to the kinds of things they say. Try it out in another conversation. And then, eventually, get your own version of it.
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Rule number five I call Even out the roller coaster.
This rule comes out of my experience of seminary formation.
As a spiritual director, I would sometimes see a pattern where someone comes to you and, really, only talks to you about important things when they’re at a low moment. In other words, the low moments of life get all the attention.
Then comes a weekend where they’re getting together for dinner on a Saturday night with some friends and it’s fun, easy. They just let loose with conversation, a few drinks… maybe the conversation isn’t always so edifying. …
Then, on the other side of that fun weekend, we notice that the temptations come back, or the bitter, resentful thoughts, or a kind of low feeling.
Where can we find God in this? What are the strategies?
The point of this fifth rule is that so often what we need to pay attention to for growth are not only the low, hard moments in the spiritual life but also, and especially, the high and easy and fun moments. Not to crush them or take the joy out of them — not at all! But to live them truthfully, with self-mastery, with our Lord!
I will say to a seminarian, “Okay. You’re going out to dinner. You are going to walk into that room with our Blessed Mother. You’re going to stop. You are going to thank God for this joy. It is happy to have time with friends on this night. It is happy to be able to sit and talk about nothing because that’s something human beings do so well. You’re going to honestly and genuinely express in your heart the gratitude you feel for this time.
“And you’re going to say to our Lord, before you step over the threshold of that room, ‘Lord, in addition to my gratitude, you know that very quickly upon entering this room, I will forget that you exist. My words, my prudence, my exaggerations will get the best of me. So let me go into this room gratefully, happy to be here, not constrained and prudish, but with you.’”
You’re happy. But you are the master of what’s happening, and you are with our Lord. And that may very well change the next part of the roller coaster. It might become a little more even. That’s what I mean by “even out the roller coaster.” Pay attention to the fun, good, high moments almost more than you pay attention to the low moments. And the only reason I say that is because no one needs prodding to pay attention to the low moments.
It’s the other ones we don’t pay attention to. And rule number five suggests that those high moments you don’t pay attention to are causing more trouble in the spiritual life than your low moments. Your weaknesses and limitations are causing fewer problems than the way you are dealing with the good, happy, exciting, fun moments of your life.
Live those moments genuinely with fun, with gratitude, with our Lord. This is enjoying life with self-mastery.
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Rule number six is Learn to endure.
There is no point talking about all the things you’re going to do the next time you have temptation, or all the plans that you have for growing in virtue, or facing your weaknesses, or choosing the most truthful thing you can do with freedom, if you stop the very first moment it feels uncomfortable.
If you cannot endure even a moment of discomfort, none of these plans matter, because it’s all going to be uncomfortable! Trying to grow in virtue, trying to overcome a vice, trying to sit with a temptation for a few minutes longer than you did the day before, trying to sit down and do your work is hard.
I heard one author say, very rightly, about time management and productivity: “All time management is ultimately pain management. You can’t endure the pain, so you don’t do it. You just distract yourself and you go do something else.”
So, a seminarian sitting there at the desk doesn’t want to write a paper. That’s called pain.
If you can’t endure that, then what? What does it matter what system you have if you can’t endure the feeling of sitting with your pain for a moment?
The hopeful, encouraging point is that you can endure. Sometimes I realize I can sit with this emotion. It’s actually okay. It’s not going to kill me. I hate it; I would rather it not be there, but I can be with it. And that’s what learning to endure is all about.
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Number seven, I simply call Rocket thrusters and puzzle pieces.
This is probably the image I use the most in pastoral work — puzzle pieces.
Basically, the rule means there are no magic wands in the spiritual life. There are only a set of committed practices, mindsets, actions that you are going to keep doing day in, day out in the slow work of growth.
No one puzzle piece is the whole picture, but without the pieces, there is no picture.
So, you may think that this committed practice you have, this little commitment you have made, or this mindset that you have committed to is the whole thing.
Maybe you’re thinking that way but it’s not working at the beginning. It’s failing. You must keep doing it anyway, because if you think there is some other way, you’re wrong. The picture is made up of these puzzle pieces.
Confession is probably the best example. For anyone, confession can sometimes become a frustrating and discouraging experience because it takes time to grow in the spiritual life. There aren’t instant results.
So, guys can feel like they’re churning through the sacrament of confession, and it’s not doing anything. But the point is that it’s not the only puzzle piece.
You need to go into confession with the mindset: this is essential, but it’s not the only puzzle piece. It’s not a magic wand. I have other puzzle pieces I need to bring in, but I still need to keep doing this.
The point of this rule is be committed to your puzzle pieces. Whatever your puzzle pieces are, they make up the picture, so don’t give them up.
And the rocket thruster idea is as simple as it sounds. Sometimes massive changes of direction come from very small things. This little puff of air can send a ship going in a totally different direction. Like the puzzle pieces, the little practices… the little efforts… these are the things that ultimately get us to our destination.
Part 1 of Seven Rules for Life – Fr. Kevin Belgrave
[Image: Homestead through trees painting (detail) by ©Donna Surprenant, Madonna House]
